The Five Love Languages in Marriage

by | May 18, 2022 | Marriage | 0 comments

When Daniel and I were first married, we attended some marriage classes at our church. This was almost 14 years ago, and it has stuck with us until this day. It was not a class solely on the Five Love Languages, but we went into it one of the days, and it was the most eye opening experience. We have lived out these love languages in our marriage for 14 years, and it has served us well.

Here’s the awesome thing about this… we didn’t even take a test! I’ll take you through the exercise that we went through to discover what our 5 Love Languages are, and ideas on how to love your spouse in their language.

 

So what are the Five Love Languages?

The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts is a book written by Gary Chapman that basically explains that every person receives and feels love in a different way. And because we may feel loved in a certain way, we tend to give or show love in that same way.

Here is a brief description of each of the 5 main love languages that I got from this Psychology Today article:

 

Words of Affirmation – Saying supportive things to your partner

Acts of Service – Doing helpful things for your partner

Receiving Gifts – Giving your partner gifts that tell them you were thinking about them

Quality Time – Spending meaningful time with your partner

Physical Touch – Being close to and caressed by your partner

 

As you can see, these are very simple definitions, but the actions and intentions behind these love languages are so important when it comes to loving your spouse or partner well. The most important thing to remember is that the way you receive love may not be the way your partner does. 

daniel and kristen ferguson smiling at camera on Kristen's 21st birthday

Why is knowing your spouses love language important?

My love language is Quality Time…it’s not even a competition. By a long shot, quality time beats the rest of the love languages for me. But here’s the thing. Daniel’s main love language is Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. Not to mention…he’s also an introvert at heart. Can you imagine if I constantly showered him with outings, clinginess, and spontaneous adventures to show him my love? 

 

He would just crumble.

 

So what if your spouse doesn’t feel love in the same way you do? This is why it’s important to know your spouses love language. You can love each other with intention.

A simple Love Language exercise

Of course you can take one of the many love language tests out there, and that’s great. But I wanted to share with you the very impactful and eyeopening exercise we did as a newlywed couple in that marriage class.

So here it is:

Take about 10-15 minutes to each sit down and write out 20 instances that you remember feeling most loved by your partner.

For example, here are a couple of items that showed up on my list:

  • When he planned a date night without me knowing
  • Our staycation that he surprised me with for my birthday
  • When we got a couples massage together
  • When we rode our bikes at the beach together

 You will very quickly see you love language rise to the surface! After you write down your 20 scenarios, go through and label them with the love language that applies. Clearly, you can see that Quality Time rose quickly to the top for me.

date day with daniel and kristen for her love language

 

Ideas on how to love in their language

 

As I mentioned, this exercise has stayed with us…it has always been on our minds as we’ve journeyed through the peaks and valleys of life and marriage. What I love about it now is that I know when Daniel is being intentional about how he loves me. I can see the effort he puts into spending time with me. And it goes both ways. I am intentional about the ways I love him…and he notices.

If you’re not sure how you can implement their love language in your daily lives, here are some simple ideas.

 

Words of Affirmation

  • Regularly tell them what an awesome dad, mom, husband, wife, etc they are
  • Say “I’m proud of you”
  • Tell them the you love them daily
  • Write little surprise notes for them
  • Send them an encouraging text
  • Be genuine when you praise them

Acts of Service

  • Help clean the house unprompted
  • Go out of your way to help with daily chores or personal tasks (like grocery shopping or paying the bills)
  • Bring them their coffee in bed before they get to it

Receiving Gifts

  • Express gratitude when receiving gifts from your partner
  • Gift gifts for special occasions and even at random times

Quality Time

  • Ask them on a date to keep the “new love” alive
  • Plan the date! 
  • Gift experiences
  • Go on adventures together
  • Weekend getaways
  • Go on walks, hikes, or bike rides together

Physical Touch

  • Hold their hand
  • Give 10 second hugs
  • Scratch their backs without being asked
  • Exchange foot massages
  • Make intimacy a priority

 

couple on a boat

Love languages can make all the difference

Obviously, there’s A LOT more to marriage than these love languages! So this insight is not all encompassing. But I have to say, that I can’t imagine not having this tool in our lives. We haven’t relied on it, but we’ve leveraged it…and it’s made all the difference!

 

Let us know in the comments below what your spouse’s love language is and how you plan on loving them intentionally!

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